It used to be me. The person who by the end of the work day could barely crack a smile, someone who still had adrenaline coursing through my veins from the pace of the day, the person who just needed to release it all but had no outlet except to rant and rave to anyone who would listen. It used to be me.
Two weeks later, I can honestly say that I've never been so....dare I say it....relaxed? I'm not totally there yet, the rage is still too fresh, but I'm certainly on my way. Maybe not to total zen, but things are definitely a little calmer.
Last night I met up with friends who still work at my old employer and I saw that stress. I always knew I was stressed, tense, angry and aggressive, but I always thought it was under control. What I never really considered while I pondered how I felt and how to control it, was how it came out in front of others. I always thought I was managing it. But last night was an eye-opener. It made me realize that I must have been failing, miserably by being rather, well, miserable.
I suppose the next question on my quest to calm is "can I do it?" Am I the type of person who can actually find a little peace? Or will I replace the stress that was left to find new stress because it's what I know, it's been comfortable, it's been a habit. Can I get through life without the adrenaline coursing through my veins every day and the sense of sheer terror and panic driving me forward to achieve success? Is living without all of that possible? Can I be successful without it?
Yes, I know what stress does. I know how poorly I hide it. I don't know if I can live without it.
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